Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

I’ve got this tight feeling in my chest.

Another panic attack about to hit.

Another million pulses rushing through my body making me fight tooth and nail to stop myself grabbing the scissors next to me.

Another feeling of loneliness.

Another feeling that I am being left behind, and can do nothing to stop it.

Completely overcome; completely helpless.

Fuck.

“Depression is …

“Depression is okay. We’re people. We’re people and we struggle, and we suffer and we bleed and we cry. And if you think that true strength means never showing any weakness, then I am here to tell you ‘you’re wrong’. You’re wrong, because it’s the opposite. We’re people and we have problems. We’re not perfect and that’s okay. So, we need to stop the ignorance , stop the intolerance, stop the stigma, and stop the silence. We need to take away the taboos, take a look at the truth and start talking. Because the only way, we’re gonna beat the problem that people are battling alone, is by standing strong together. By standing strong together. And I believe that we can.”

My friend just sent me this link:

http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?c=ufb1

This is Kevin Breel.  I genuinely think this is the most promising speech for raising awareness for how important mental health issues actually are.  When I have told close friends about my struggle with depression, they claim they will be there for me, yet disappear when I need them most.  I don’t want to rely on people to help me stop harming myself, or to try to boost me up, as I keep thinking it will get better in time.  But it won’t, and I know it won’t.  Talking helps.  But it’s such a taboo subject, it is left alone. 

I can almost 100% guarantee that if I posted a Facebook status about how much I am struggling, it will be ignored, or there will be comments, or people talking behind my back about how I’m an attention seeker.  That isn’t how it should be.  I don’t want sympathy, I don’t really want people offering to help…I just want people to know that it’s real.  And it shouldn’t be something people are afraid to talk about.

This video should be made famous world wide.  The more awareness that is made, the less afraid people will be to talk.

This is real.

Goals for a perfect year…

By November 2nd 2013 I will:

  • have toned up that bit of squidge on my stomach;
  • have longer hair (hopefully);
  • have dyed my hair blonde;
  • have made at least 5 new friends;
  • be able to run at least 5km;
  • have developed a stylish wardrobe;
  • have stopped cutting;
  • be self confident;
  • allow myself to be happy;
  • have another tattoo to celebrate recovery.

Please.

When will I learn?

When will I learn?

I can’t let people effect me any more.

My goal for recovery is 3rd November, so I don’t have to deal with the pain, the anxiety, the black hole of sadness and the weakness when I go to Australia.

I have to be strong.

I want to be strong.

I will be strong.