Life of a Recovering Depressive

There seems to be a need for every result to have a cause. So what is the cause of my depression? Why, like the millions of others who suffer, have I been forced to suffer with this horrible illness? I sure as hell didn’t ask for it, and I believe that, for the first time in 5 years, I may eventually be on the right route out of my black maze.

One of my closest friends recently told me to grow up, that depression is an illness for teenagers. I told him to go f*** himself. It is one of the most narrow minded comments that has ever been thrown my way. 1 in 3 people suffer from one sort of mental health illness or another; children, teenagers, adults…people of every age. It’s difficult to know what causes them, and it varies from person to person, so to blame it on hormones is hard to hear. I can tell a difference between a day when I feel mad and sad due to hormones, and day when I feel infuriated and lost due to depression.

I’ve described depression as a black hole, or maze. I recently finished my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy sessions, and it has taught me numerous coping techniques. It’s caused me to realise that life is this maze I’ve been hiding in. But they don’t have to be black and intimidating; just find the light switch and things will be easier. Life is a maze, and you can choose what path to choose. Not everything is straight forward, but as long as you can see more than one option out of a situation, things will roll a lot smoother.

I need to stop fighting every day. I need to stop being scared of making the wrong choices. Yes, some things may not go my way, and I may feel helpless for a while, but I just need to backtrack and take the other option, take the other turning of the maze.

I am grateful. Things are not easy, but I am grateful for the constants in my life. Things are not easy, but life would be boring without challenges. Life would be boring without heartbreak, broken friendships, death, work. It makes us appreciate the small moments where we feel true emotions. Whether they are good or bad, it doesn’t matter. It’s how we cope; how we learn; how we grow that really matters.

I’m learning to love my mistakes, and learn from them. I have a long old way to go, but this is a start. I feel fresh, and ready to grow as a person. I can smell the light switch in my maze, I just need to take a few more steps to flick it on.

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4 thoughts on “Life of a Recovering Depressive

  1. It is a strange feeling when you first realize that you can tell the difference between a depressive haze and “real” emotion. My brother passed recently as I was starting to come out of a major depressive episode. I realized that the tears and sadness and anger I felt over that was in fact a real emotional response. Of course, it was really shitty emotions, in response to something awful, but it was real nonetheless.

    • I am so so sorry to hear that. I hope you didn’t find my comment offensive about finding real emotions, because they can be horrific, it’s just good to feel real from time to time. Hope you’re doing alright x

      • No — I really appreciated your comment. It’s “nice” to have a real emotional response to something — whether it be happiness, excitement, sadness, etc. There’s a huge difference between ’emotional responses’ due to depression and ‘real’ ones. It’s a good step when you can tell the difference between the two!

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