I don’t use my diagnosis as an excuse for my behaviour, but my diagnosis dictates my personality. Borderline Personality Disorder. Bit of a mouthful. It makes me irrational. It makes me act impulsively. I get extreme urges that, from time to time, force me to make decisions that some people may see as unacceptable, and make decisions around my life that I truly don’t want. BPD heightens emotions, and the actions that surround emotions. My sex drive can go from needing ten dicks in my mouth one week, to wanting my hymen resealed the next. I get angry; not just a burst of anger, but a need to hit, kick, verbally hate on a person or a thing. It makes me throw things, slam doors, force away the people who care. I have a chronic fear that I am never going to be enough for anyone and that my end game is complete and utter loneliness. I joke around saying I would be so happy to live alone with a few hundred dogs – I would, but it is only because I am so scared of my behaviour. I skip through men, have multiple sexual partners, push away those who care because, despite my fear of being alone, I also believe, so truly, that I am not enough for anyone.
One day I hope to be so in control of all of these feelings and emotions, but for now, I think it is only safe for me to barricade myself in my head, and try to win the battle that occurs every waking hour of the day. If I lose the war, I know my trusty old sharp edged friends will come back into my life. If I win, life will be successful and I will be in control of everything that is thrown my way.
I really don’t want to lose the war in my head.