Jesus Christ I’m struggling today. Why is everything so tough?
It’s been a while.
I have moved to Melbourne and am loving it here so much. I am selling energy door to door which isn’t the best job in the world, but the people I work with are beyond amazing. They have become like my family and I can’t imagine being without them now.
However, like always, I have ended up getting myself into a horrible situation. When I first came back to the city after ages in the outback, I slept with a guy who was completely lovely and caring. I could maybe have imagined a future with him. However, after sleeping together (unprotected) and taking the morning after pill, he decided he wasn’t ready for anything serious. That’s was fine…until a couple of weeks ago. I was late so took a pregnancy test. Positive. Shit. After a while of being shit scared I eventually told a couple of my close friends. They were totally supportive and I love them so much for it. I have had a while to come to terms with it, and was almost ready to make a choice with what to do. But my body made that choice for me. Today I miscarried. I’ve never been so emotionally confused in my entire life. Obviously I am grateful I am not pregnant as I can barely even look after myself, but I had come to the decision before then to keep it. I could have been a mum.
I know that decision at the age of 19 possibly wasn’t the best, but it was what I wanted. To have that taken away from me was devastating.
I guess it’s just my body’s way of telling me now isn’t the right time. I suppose it’s for the best though. It just hurts. So much. My heart is breaking for what could have been.
Stay strong, Becci.
1- To seduce a girl, a game of pool at the local pub works a treat. Especially if she can’t play, because you can then lean over her and get all intimate but none of the locals will guess you want to root her. Teaching a backpacker to play pool is a regular occurrence.
2- If you get a girl on Facebook, make sure that you don’t reply to most of her messages. Keep her guessing, and keen by using one word answers when she does message you. It’s surely the key of keeping a girl interested.
3- Score! You’ve got her back to your place after a night in the pub. High five yourself there, buddy. She likes to give blowjobs? It is your lucky day! Now make sure you give it to her good because after that blowjob, her satisfaction is key.
4- Ah so you’ve shown up to take the girl shooting? Good on you. Nothing looks more sexy than a guy in a sweet car, firing a big ass gun…at an ant bed. Hey, it’s ok. It’s not your fault all the pigs were hiding. So after showing off how masculine you are, time to show off how romantic you can be. Now here goes, the biggest rule: put the spotlights on, play some decent tunes and have a lie down in the back of your ute. Point out the stars, every chick loves that old line. Then give her some of the best sex of her life, because chances are, a backpacker has never have back-of-ute sex before. Then after that, make sure the battery of your car runs flat, because after an orgasm, there is nothing more a girl wants to do than push your beast of a machine for a push start. Then get her to bed at 6am so she is fresh for the day.
This is all in jest, all of these I have witnesses from the guy I’ve fallen for out here. The last point happened last night, and was hilarious, but I’ve never ached so much in my life.
All this for an outback boy? I’d do it all over in a second.
Who am I?
I left my new home town, my friends who have become like my family, an easy job which pays well…I must be crazy. But at least my craziness has it’s reasons:
Why would I stay in a job when my manager has made it clear she won’t be giving me a good reference? Not because I don’t work hard, because I do. I try so hard to be bubbly and talkative to the locals, and I think a lot of them like me. But this woman, my manager, has been breaking my confidence. I told her about my history of self harm when I thought I could trust her. Turns out I definitely can’t trust her. She said to my friend that she wouldn’t recommend that she employs me, cause she wouldn’t again, because of my self harm. That is wrong. It’s disgusting. This cold woman also accused me of doing it all for attention. What a class A bitch.
So I ran away. Last night was the final straw. She has told people (again what I told her in sworn secrecy) about a guy I slept with and regretted, and when I say people, I mean the entire population of Croydon. And it makes me feel like crap, because the guy I’m regularly sleeping with? I’m actually starting to like. Just a little bit too much. So if he finds out, I’m going to feel guilty. But knowing the men around here, he probably just sees me as another backpacker to root. Which is also fine. But that slim chance he likes me? It gets fucked up. But anyway, I am now in Karumba, after running away and hitching a lift with a couple of workers who stopped in at the pub for a drink. It’s great. I feel shit for causing worry, but I had to get out or I would have taken the knife from the storeroom, and had a really fun night…
I’m all about distraction techniques.
But I have been speaking to possibly the best girl in the entire world back in Croydon, and she has been cleaning up the mess I made. Persuading me to come home and finding me accommodation to stay in so I never have to worry about the bitch boss. After all the worry I’ve put her through? I am so thankful.
Some people are pure angels. There’s no other words.
Silly me. Jinxing myself when everything was going right.
But what’s a few more scars.
I just need to keep fighting. I have my freedom over here so I need to live like I do. Don’t over think things, and don’t take life for granted.
I need a smoke, and a night with positive people.
I’m fine. Really.
You have let yourself love a place enough to make you completely forget why you have ever been unhappy. You have let yourself make friends with genuine people who will look out for you no matter what. You haven’t slept with more than one guy here, so congratulations! You aren’t letting the main cause of your sadness affect you here.
Who would have guessed that an outback town in the middle of nowhere would make you feel this relaxed and happy?
Keep it up, Becci.
I just reread my old blog posts, about how moving out of England would be the best thing for my depression, and I was completely right. I have never felt so carefree, never felt so loved by the friends I have made. Maybe it’s the sun, maybe it’s the frame of mind I’m forcing myself to have, but whatever it is…it’s working like a miracle.
I can’t lie and say there haven’t been times where I’ve felt lonely and depressed, but it’s expected. I’m not going to miraculously recover in a month, that’s unheard of. I thought I was going to reinvent myself as a nice, innocent girl, but have already slept with five twats over here. One different night I was dragaged out of the sea by a stranger because I was drunk and yelling at him I wanted to drown…but that’s the only time I’ve tried to do anything about my depression.
I’m being someone completely new out here though. I am confident, and smile all the time. People assume I’m a confident, happy person, so why not live up to their expectations? It’s time for me to start living life how it should be lived.
Surround yourself with happy people, smile always, and be completely chilled out. I wish I had known this years ago, so I don’t have the scars I do, but they remind me of how far I’ve come; of how strong I can be. This is life. It would be boring without challenges.