Welcome to the world, little girl

Our little girl joined the world 6 weeks early, but has been thriving. She spent the first two weeks of her life in hospital, but has been home for two weeks now.

It is a big shock to the system, becoming a parent. I have become a walking feeding machine, and constant shh-er. My man has stepped up big time, and is the best dad I could have imagined him being for our girl.

It’s hard finding myself as a mum, and keeping parts of who I was before pregnancy going. There is often anxiety that I’m doing things wrong, that she will get ill, that me and her dad won’t last in our relationship, but I am doing my best to shut down these anxieties so I can just enjoy her and her dad.

One thing is for sure is that I love my little bundle of grunts, farts and windy smiles more than anything else in my life.

Counting Down the Weeks

Hi Baby,

It’s 11 weeks until I see your little face and find out if you’re my little prince or princess. I can feel you moving and wriggling so much inside me now, it makes me impatient for these weeks to fly by! But stay put a little longer please, you still have some growing to do.

Having issues with your daddy’s mum. She keeps referring to my weight gain as ‘above average for pregnancy’ which feels horrible to hear. I stopped weighing myself after putting on two stone cause I want to enjoy my cravings and having you grow in me. Yes, I have had to take my rings off cause they were cutting off blood supply to my fingers, but I don’t care. You’re worth every swollen finger and foot.

11 weeks and counting, little one. I can’t wait to meet you.

All my love,

Mummy xxx

Truths About Pregnancy

So here are some things I wish I had been told about what to actually expect when you get that beautiful little plus sign on a stick you just pissed on.

1. You get weird pains, in weird places, nearly all the time. From even before I confirmed I was pregnant, I knew I was pregnant because of these weird period pains without the period ever appearing. I called the doctor’s so many times in the first 6 weeks panicking. Part of this is good because one of my weird pains they worried was ectopic because it was all one sided in my groin. Turns out I had a cyst on my ovary that side. They can’t do anything about it, but it at least puts to rest one of these pain anxieties.

2. Pregnancy related anxiety. This is probably not helped by the above aches and pains, but no one tells you how damn attached you get to the bundle of cells in you, and the speed it happens. Everything that feels abnormal, and my anxiety levels rocket making me think I’m going to lose this precious gift I was surprised with. My anxiety also tells me my boyfriend is going to leave me, that my friends don’t like me anymore because I can’t drink and smoke with them, and that if I eat mayonnaise, I will definitely pass on listeria to the baby. 100% of these are unnecessary anxieties.

3. How stroppy you become. Yes I heard that your hormones are a little out of whack, but honestly I’ve never been so stroppy in my life, and I am very prone to strops. Also that stropping leads to excessive crying.

4. Leading on from the previous point, crying. At everything. The other day I was laughing really hard at my sometimes clutsy boyfriend, and then suddenly I was hysterically sobbing. For literally no reason. I also cry for very petty reasons. For example, my boyfriend suggested we have skin on mashed potatoes when the potato peeler was in the dishwasher. Cue about 10 minutes of inconsolable crying.

5. The fact your immune system is generally shit now. I get it, little one needs all the nutrients and help from my body it can get, but just when I passed the morning (all day – another lie) sickness, I get a major cold which I am still hauled up in bed for. And I then can’t take any cold/flu tablets because they’re harmful, so treating it with paracetamol and endless tissues to clear the endless mucus.

6. Having sex leads to a weird pink discharge (tmi potentially). I’ve called the doctor’s countless times about this in a panic, but the correlation they say is that I have sex, then the next day I get weird pink discharge. Apparently my cervix gets slightly irritated during sex, and suggested we don’t go as deep. Ego boost for my boyfriend, diminishing orgasms for me.

I write all this, but if this is what I have to go through to have my little one be born healthy and happy, I will do it all and more.

Grateful

My pregnancy so far hasn’t been easy. I have had bad sickness, and my anxiety has gone through the roof.

I desperately want to enjoy this pregnancy, and am doing my best to solve my anxiety before it becomes too much of an overwhelming problem.

I have become a massive bitch, and the biggest moaner, unfortunately the receiver of these moods has been my amazing man. He doesn’t deserve the shit I give him, and I wish I had more control over my mood swings.

He is, however, still my knight in shining armour. Makes sure I get enough water when I’m sick, gets a cold compress for my head when I get headaches, gets me most the food I am craving. I feel so fortunate and grateful to have him.

Even when I’m feeling shit, he can put a smile on my face, and remind me of the amazing things we have still to come. He is my absolute everything and I feel so lucky. I can’t wait for us to see our little one in our scan on Wednesday together, and to start this exciting/scary new chapter together.

 

My Little Egg Yolk

norDear Egg Yolk,

I’m so excited to meet you in 9 months .

You are going to be so loved by so many people, and I can’t wait to see your beautiful face.

It is such early days, and I have my fingers crossed so so tight that you develop; gain a fighting heartbeat; grow your little fingers I can eventually hold. Waiting for the first scan to hear your heartbeat makes me so impatient! I haven’t even heard you yet, but I feel so protective over you already.

Mummy and daddy are nervous and super unprepared for you, but we will do our best for you, and no matter what, we will love you with all of our beings.

I can’t wait to meet you, little one.

Love,

Mummy

Trusting in Love

It’s been over a year since I met the man I love.

He puts up with me in my worst states; the states when I’m hangry, full of PMS fun, anxiety ridden, and beating myself up over problems out of my control.

I need constant confirmation that we are okay.  That our relationship is working.  That he still loves me.  I wish I could just trust in us, but my anxiety makes it hard for me to do so. We are out of the honeymoon stage, that’s for sure, but each night when he says he loves me, I always want to double check. There are no reasons for me to doubt it anymore, yet my head can’t comprehend that I’ve found someone so perfect.

I find it funny that when I was younger, not a child, but in my teens, I imagined my relationships to be the stories and romances I knew about from books and films.  I have come to realise that these relationships just don’t exist. We love each other, but our nights aren’t spent wrapped around each other. We chat, we binge watch TV shows, we play games, we live this normal working life. We are tired, we eat, we sleep, we repeat. But it’s ‘we’ and it’s so strong.

And I am so infinitely happy.

Dear Followers

Please forgive me, I am slightly ginned out whilst writing this, so grammar/spelling maybe amiss.

I don’t know what to do.

I am receiving a number of unsolicited dick pics.  This may not seem like the biggest deal in the world, but if you can refer to my previous blog posts, I hope you can understand why this may cause upset and anger.

I worry it’s due to my past.  I am sat here in bed with the man who I implicitly love, worrying that my past love of men and my interest in their sexual advances, thinking that I am worth nothing less than receiving these pictures.  I hate that.  These men are disgusting, and I know that; the ‘dick pic sharing population’ is massive.  I am not alone in those that are suffering from receiving these.

It is upsetting, anxiety causing, and ultimately demoralizing.

I need help, guys.  If anyone has any experience in app development, that would be great.  I want to create a platform that allows women (and men if applicable) to be able to share these dick pics and tag the dickhead who shared them.  I have no clue about the legalities of it, but I didn’t ask for these photos.  If they’re happy to share them with me, I’m happy to share them with the world.

Over and out,

A completely done with sexual harassment, Becci

I’m sure

To the man who has stolen my heart,

Please don’t abuse my trust and my choice to love you so deeply. I know you love me, but don’t jeopardize this by still thinking, and Facebook stalking, your ex.

I want to be your future, I want to trust you implicitly, and love you deeper every day.  I want you to feel the same.

Please stop living in the past, and start looking at me as your future, and your everything.  If you don’t, you will lose me.

And not to blow my own trumpet, I am the best thing that will ever have happened to your life.

Finding My Feet

There is so much pressure these days to be settled, to have a house, to know exactly what route your life is heading in.  The expectation is stressful and detrimental to succeeding in day-to-day goals that make up real life.

I started an apprenticeship in a press agency nearly six months ago.  It started off great when I was learning new skills on a daily basis; I now feel I have hit this glass ceiling where I have nothing else left to learn, so need to have a frank discussion with my boss.  This is not an easy thing to do, as the expectations for me in this office are different to what I was expecting.  I thought I would have the opportunity to write for the newspapers eventually; in reality, I am sourcing nice pictures.  It is a job that needs to be done, but it is not testing my brain abilities as much as I would like.  I am not an idiot, and I love using my brain.  When I don’t use it, I become restless, and start drifting.

I need to remember I am a young adult with goals and ambitions; if I don’t air these ambitions I will end up in a spiral that I will ultimately be stuck in.

If anyone has any advice on how to adult well, it would be much appreciated, as I am still intimidated by anyone with a higher position of authority than me.  I also get sweaty sweaty hands when I talk on the phone to people I don’t know either.  Advice on that too would be great (I have tried talcum powder – successful in the short term, but looks weird to use it often).